sparowe

01:35 pm - Normal Life?

Todaye so far has consisted of house-cleaning, putting together a CD for my brother, and prepping the second dish that I'm capable of in my repertoire (ceviche).  I cannot imagine doing something like this with my daye off back in MD, but here it seems perfectly normal and comfortable.  I've also had a lot of time for reflection, and as I expressed to Carrie:

I'm changing.  And there's parts of it--lots of it--that are extremely painful, stressful, and depressing.  Those are the parts that make me afraid that I will lose you and R. before the end; parts that want me to make me lose myself, in all honesty.  But the lucidity in between shows me something else; that I might like the person that comes out of this.  More independent, more confident... and more myself, whoever that is.

The more I consider it, the more I am reminded of the many verses in the Bible that speak of refining metals, of tesing and purifying them.  I've not quite been here three months, but during that time I have had so many moments of incredible emotion, both good and bad.  I once asked LQ at work how a person could be happy and depressed at the exact same time; she answered that was God working in my life.  And I am happy--there's just times where the present can overwhelm me, be it from loneliness or stress or whatever.  For a brief period I questioned if I had made a mistake, acting solely on my own desires, and wondering if God was punishing me for it.  I no longer think that.  This might not have been His perfect will, but it was at least His permissive will, if not something more.  I don't think I can know the answer to that, and there's really no further point in trying.  I can only work with what I have, and that to His glory.

I love and am loved, and that's one of the greatest things that you can have in this life.

Current Mood: content